Dear Mr./Miss College Student,
Congratulations! You have been pre-approved for our new cash back credit card! Although you’re probably already up to your eyeballs in debt, we’d like to offer you the opportunity to dive even further into the red.
With our new cash back program, you earn .001 percent cash back for every $250 you spend. An unprecedented amount! No one has ever offered so low a reward before, so sign up for our card and you’re sure to be one of the first to receive our horrible benefits.
You will also be hit with a $50 yearly service fee as well as a 32 percent APR. Don’t worry, as long as you stop eating and sell your unnecessary organs you’ll be able to pay off your card, in full, monthly, and not accrue any interest.
What will be the limit on your card, you ask? We’re going to go ahead and give you a $1000 limit! We know you can’t be trusted with “free money” so we’re going to make sure you have every opportunity to get in as much credit card debt as possible. We understand that most young people see credit cards as extra money instead of borrowed money, which is good news for us because we thrive on your interest payments.
Speaking of payments, make sure you pay on time. Every late payment means a late payment fee, which is an extra $35 dollars for us.
We guess it’s ok if you decide to continuosly miss your payments because we’ll just sell your personal information to a debt collection agency. They’ll do you the favor of slapping on a hefty collection fee and then harass you day and night until you give them money.
Don’t miss out on this incredible opportunity! You can fill out the form we’ve included for your convenience and mail in the postage paid envelope, because hey, what’s 45 cents to mail us your death sentence? Or you can go to our website at www.wewantyourmoney.com and sign up electronically. Our website just mgith be the only thing easy about this process, so make sure to take full advantage of it!
Customer representatives don’t speak English so don’t bother calling our customer service phone number.
Remember that you need to build credit history in order to get loans or mortgages in your future; we enjoy preying on that.
Sincerely,
Greedy Credit Card Company Who Wants All Your Money
Bridget DeMeis can be reached by email at demeis.record@live.com.